Height of Insanity
by aidan bard
Summary: Kakashi is having a hard time dealing with a Team of Three made up of four people, Tsunade out to win a bet and chuunin school teacher called Umino Iruka. A kids. Lots of kids. kakairu


Warnings : I have to warn everyone that this was written with one foot in insanity. There will be a lot of talk about mpreg, but no mpreg in the horizon at present. I'll stick to reader responses / reviews for that.

Rating: I really don't know. PG- 13 for now. If there is any sex in the future, I'll let you know.

Section breaks don't work in for some reason so I've used Break break to show change of scenery. I'll have it fixed as soon as possible.

Chapter 1

Kakashi was having the sort of bad day only portrayed in horror movies. He concentrated on reading his book as he jumped from branch to branch, letting his team members go on ahead. It was not exactly a dangerous or important mission, and sometimes it was better to let someone with a hard head like Naruto test branch strength. There were advantages of having someone like him on the team.

Not that Kakashi wanted anything to do with Team Kakashi. He would have given his team away to someone – anyone-only the most capable person was Yamato, and he had this extremely annoying habit of turning into an oak tree every time Kakashi approached him. Which was probably not a positive sign. Okay, maybe having one of his dogs pee at the base was probably not a good idea either.

Still, to be saddled with a hyperactive Naruto and a lovesick Sakura, who were both trying to get the attention of newly-returned Sasuke, who was acting as if he had his long sword rammed down his throat (which could explain the mono-syllabic, grunting answers) and a broom handle up his…. and Sai who went around slightly less dressed than Ino these days, was driving him mad.

The underdressed, belly-button pierced Sai was reading a book as he glided from branch to branch alongside his teammates, though Kakashi was willing to bet a month's pay that the book was not the latest Icha Icha Paradise. It was probably something with a worrying title like, "How to Win Back Your Place in a Team of Three" or "How to Get Rid of the Fourth Member in a Team of Three" or "How to Win Back Your Friends" or "How to Kill Uchiha Sasuke Without Getting Caught and Hiding his Body So I Can Go Back to Being the Third Member of Team Kakashi."

And to be saddled with a stupid mission.

So what if the enrollment in the academy for that year was low -- so what if the number of children in Konoha was getting smaller by the year? Children were so much trouble; they were noisy and annoying, and they puked on your shoes or your new shirt after they'd made sure you were wearing your best shirt and had to be somewhere half an hour ago.

So what if most families had only one or two children or preferred not to have children at all? Plus, look at he Uchiha clan, and the problems that arose because they had two children. Sasuke was doing fine now as an only child, thank you very much. Kakashi himself had been an only child, and there was nothing wrong with him at all.

So what if the population of Konoha was shrinking? They were probably going through a dry period. There was no need for Tsunade to panic, call for population graphs and then send Team Kakashi on a mission to meet one of her old friend who had come up with a perfect solution for the problem.

Kakashi was still a little curious as to what the perfect solution was…

…multiple births, lust jutsu…

He could see all the females in the village taking that well. While most were inclined to wave their finger in front of a child and go "kuchi, kuchi, koo" none of them seemed inclined to have one of their own. Too much trouble, too much commitment, and most ninjas made terrible parents. And really, if Tsunade was so concerned, she could have set an example for everybody and had a kid or two, but nooo, she expected other people to suffer while she sat in her cushy chair and drank enough sake to drown an elephant.

Still, he could see Tsuande's plan … getting everyone in his team to work together, easing them into the new routine, letting Sasuke lose some of the emo-broody look without actually lobotomizing him …even Naruto had not protested much when given such a simple mission; though, perhaps it was Sakura standing over him with a fist drawn back that had convinced him.

Kakashi sighed and tried to pay more attention to his team as their destination came into view. This should be interesting.

Break break

The moment they had arrived at their destination, Tsunade's old, old friend, an ancient, withered woman who went by the name of Chie took to Sakura instantly. The two females retreated into her inner chamber, probably to see if they could come up with a torture technique to rival Tsuande's, leaving the four of them alone in the front yard.

Sasuke immediately sought a corner of the rock garden in which to stand and brood, and Naruto, now that Sakura had stopped flirting with Sasuke, immediately went to stand beside his long-lost friend and tell him all about the happenings in the village, which Sasuke, on the chance he'd had a complete personality reversal, might be interested in. It was amusing to realize just how much information you could pick up by listening to Naruto, Kakashi thought. The boy picked up things even if he didn't what he had picked up. For example Hinata, it seemed, still had a crush on Naruto and was prone to fainting fits at the sight of him. You'd think she'd be over it by now.

Then there was the Hyuuga boy and Kiba, whom Naruto had come across one day mud-wrestling -- naked. Kakashi had a feeling the only thing that had saved Naruto's life might have been that Naruto's shadow clone had puffed off in shock. But when Naruto started retelling his new recipe for ramen, Kakashi slowly backed away before his eyes started to glaze over. However, as he did, he noticed something. Though Sasuke wore a look of total disinterest, he was listening keenly to what Naruto was saying, so maybe there was hope for the Uchiha boy after all.That left Sai standing by himself looking faintly forlorn until he had pulled out his sketch pad from his back pack and started drawing. Kakashi had noticed that Sasuke disturbed Sai at some level, made the ANBU boy uneasy and nervous, which was not a good thing.

Kakashi could see Sai fingering his belly-button piercing, which had been inspired by a volume entitled "Body Piercing: Expressing Your Inner Art." He wondered if he should be paying more attention to his collection of strays. He sighed, tucked his book in his waist pouch and walked up to Sai with a smile, not that it mattered since it was not visible through the mask.

"Have you detected anyone or anything out of the ordinary?" he asked.

"There are a lot of animals in the undergrowth," Sai remarked and then went back to his drawing.

Kakashi nodded. End of conversation. "Uh," he tried again. His hand went to the pouch to seek out his book so he could pretend to be occupied and not at a loss for what to say to an eighteen-year-old boy with zero social skills. "Uh…" His hand closed on a few sweets he had stuffed into his pouch along with his shuriken collection. "Here, have something to eat…" It probably tasted a little like weapon oil, but it had never killed anyone before. Directly.

"No, thank you," Sai replied. Kakashi shrugged and proceeded to pop it into his mouth, a far more difficult task than envisioned since he had to do it without pulling down his mask. But he had years of practice putting things into his mouth while everyone else was trying to get a glimpse of his face so was doing just fine until… "The book I'm reading has an entire chapter on why young boys should not accept sweets from old, perverted, men." …and promptly chocked on it.

"What," Kakashi managed after the sweet had come out of his nose.

He considered picking it up and putting it back into his mouth, since as a ninja he knew the dangers of wasting food, when Sai decided to add, rather casually "Naruto-kun is always telling us that – with you reading all those perverted books and…"

Kakashi whipped his head around and started at Naruto who was still haranguing Sasuke with his sun-colored head bobbing up and down in excitement. "Naruto," he said in a dangerously low voice, which had even Sasuke looking his way. "I've got to talk to you, now." Kakashi started to stride towards the duo in the corner, making sure his steps looked menacing. He knew it looked menacing since he'd practiced in front of the mirror before trying it out in public.

Sai, with unabashed curiosity, closed his sketch book and started following Kakashi at a leisurely pace, probably wanting to see the outcome of the confrontation. From the other side of the rock garden, Sakura emerged in the company of the old medi-nin, but Kakashi was far too engrossed in giving a piece of his mind to Naruto to care.

"What exactly have you been telling people about me?" Kakashi asked, as Sai edged forward.

"Kakashi-sensei…" said Sakura.

"Yes Sakura," Kakashi snapped over his shoulder. "Naruto, have you been telling Sai that…."

"But, Kakashi-sensei…" Sakura was saying in an urgent tone.

"I think all team members should work together," Sai was telling Sasuke in a falsely cheerful voice, his face split in a smile which would have had Orochimaru running for cover. "Here, I drew your portrait as a welcome back gift."

"But Kakashi sensei, Chie-sama says that the…"

"Hey, I knew Sai would welcome you back…" Naruto--who had the attention span of a gnat--said with enthusiasm.

"Naruto what's this with you telling Sai I'm some pervert…" Kakashi tried to get back his attention.

Sasuke, impervious to all the commotion going on around him, accepted the crumpled paper as if a lowly servant had offered him a piece of dirt, opened it carefully with the tips of his fingers so that his hands would not be dirtied more than necessary and looked at it.

"…just because I read Icha-Icha, it does not mean I'm…"

"… it's not exactly a medical science, but there are probably vectors within these jutsus, so do you think we should try it out?" Sakura's tone was getting that dangerous catch to it which said, _"you'd better not be ignoring me."_

"Yes, Sakura," Kakashi threw over his shoulder again before going back to the task at hand of twisting Naruto's ear into a pretzel. Unseen by him, the old medi-nin's fingers started moving in a series of seals.

"I'm going to kill you," Sasuke growled, throwing himself at Sai, who for once was not acting as if he had no idea what he had done wrong.

"A person's inner beauty is obvious only if there is any, and sometimes art captures the true ugliness of …" Sai was saying even as he pulled out his scroll and his paint brushes.

Kakashi let go of Naruto's ear as the blond scrambled to break up the inevitable fight, when he felt a strong jutsu headed towards them. He stepped aside, and prepared to fight .Somewhere in the background, he heard Sakura screaming, "Not Sasuke-kun!" and concluded that the jutsu was headed for Sasuke. There was no time for any evasive maneuvers, so he set up his strongest barrier and stepped into the path of the jutsu …

…which cleaved through the defensive layer as if it was nothing and slammed into Kakashi, pushing him off his feet and onto the ground in three seconds. As Kakashi hit the ground, his mind analyzed the justsu with some surprise. A medical jutsu!

Break break

"You've got be kidding," Anko said. Since her mouth was stuffed with dango at the moment, it came out, "yoff goth thu bff kiffin'," but Tsunade was extremely good at understanding stuffed-mouth after listening to so many patients protest with thermometers in their mouths.

"No," said the Hokage, trying to sound firm. "I think it's a good idea if all the female shinobi here had at least one child of their own to boost our numbers."

"Does that include you and Shizune?" Anko asked craftily.

"Tusnade-sama," Shizune said in a small voice.

"We're …busy," Tsunade said, making a quick recovery. "It's just that Kurenai is doing so well with a child, and…"

"Double standard," Anko said, pressing her point. "I bet if all the male shinobi could get pregnant, you'd not be telling them to go ahead and reproduce."

"Tsunade-sama," her assistant tired again.

"But they can't," Tsunade said triumphantly.

"But if they could, you'd still not order them to," Anko said slamming a palm on the Hokage's table.

"Want to bet?" Tsunade shot back.

"Tsunade-sama." Shizune sounded desperate.

"Dango for a month, and I'll clean your shoes," Anko said heatedly. "If not, you do the same for me."

"You're on," Tsunade shouted back.

"And it's got to be a real shinobi," Anko added. "Like Ibiki or –" she looked out the doorway. "…Genma or …"

"Gai," Tsunade offered, her mind catching up with her mouth finally.

"Or someone like that," Anko agreed. "Not some crummy civilian… or a chuunin."

Break break

"Take it off," Kakashi said in a panicked tone. "Take the damn jutsu off, old woman, or I'll …"

"I'm the only one who can take it off ," Chie-sama said calmly. "So you can do away with those bodily threats, young man."

"But…" Kakashi protested. "But…"

"Tell Tsunade this is the best I can do until she pays those gambling debts she owes me," the old lady countered. "Don't you think you'd better head back to the village before it gets dark?"

"But…," Kakashi said weakly.

"It's going to be just fine," Sakura said reassuringly, patting him on the back. "Tsunade-sama will make it all fine."

"Yes, Kakashi sensei," said Naruto enthusiastically. "It's going to be just fine. Granny-Tsunade will take off the jutsu. Let's go, Sakura-chan."

"I'm going to kill you," Sasuke told Sai in a bored voice, as Sai smiled at him in an automatic way which made him look constipated. The two started heading towards the woods close enough to touch, each not wanting to give way to the other.

"But, I don't want to be a mommy," Kakashi wailed at last, but by then, no one was listening.

Japanese name meaning "wisdom; thousand blessings."


End file.
